Dick Cheney must think he’s still in office. Why else would he be wheeling around his mausoleum yelping, “I’ve still got it, America! I’ve still got it”; then bowing his head and singing into his artificial heart, “Snap my fingers and you’ll turn some flips, you’re my puppet/Mm, my every wish is your command/All I got to do is wiggle my little hand/Your my puppet, you’re my puppet, you’re just a toy, just a funny boy …”?

And what of poor [sic, sick] Mitt Romney? He’s thinking to himself, ‘Wow. Obama’s getting the American public to cough up billions upon billions of dollars to have all his intelligence worms and wonks spy on them, checking out the phone and email records of every American, even little Johnny Diphthong, a 2-year-old with an Ipad. Hell, if I’d known that would fly, I’d have made it a campaign promise. Of course, as usual, the people weren’t supposed to know what they were paying for [haw], but I could have coded it up with some blah blah blah National Security and they’d have eaten it up. That’s why we pay speechwriters.‘

Oh, and, um, while I’m here, I’d like to publicly apologize to the American people for using the internet to say to my cousin Sally, “You da bomb, girl.” That’s probably gonna cost us another million for the investigation to learn if she’s in possession of a suicide vest and whatnot.